Every Day

Still, every day is a struggle.

I make associations to over eating and addiction a lot.  People smoke, drink, do drugs to escape reality, cope, forget about the things that upset them, to avoid dealing with mental issues they might have.  It's not always as simple as chasing a high.  I've heard people say they overeat to feel comfort or fill a void and I'm not sure I can say that strikes an exact chord, but eating does call to me when my mental state is hurting.  Of course, eating may then cause poorer mental states, but so does drinking and smoking.

There is, however, one huge difference between ending a chemical dependency and trying to diet.  One of the main goals of quitting smoking, drinking, etc is to get to place where you don't think about it every minute of every day.  You use many tools, including mind over matter, to put it out of your mind and end that thought process.

A human cannot end their dependency on food.  When we are not watching our weight, we are not thinking about food.  This is how our dependency on fat and sugars is created, but NOT thinking.  When we want to lose weight, it will only work if you ARE thinking about food and exercise every minute of every day.  Not only do you have to talk yourself out of temptation, you have to talk yourself into the right choices.

FOR ME it was easier to quit smoking and is easier for me to quit caffeine (which I never do permanently, but I do from time to time).  I cannot say that dieting is more difficult that quitting heroin as I've never been a hardcore drug addict.  I can say, however, that the battle might be longer.  While coke addicts have been known to say that they still wish they could do it years and years after they quit, the ones I know personally have also admitted it's only an occasional thought.  Someone prone to weight problems has to think about food and such every single day for the rest of their lives.  Let your guard down and the next thing you know, you're plumping out again.  Take a break and you know that losing weight is a tough train to get back on.

Mental Relation
The fact is, I'm having to admit that my mental state relates completely to my eating habits and I can no longer blame my eating habits for my mental state.  I've known this to be true for a long time, but I read and hear so much from thin people saying that eating causes these mental problems that I don't feel I can speak out and say sometimes (probably most of the time!) it's the other way around so give me a break.  Give all of us a break.  Mental health coverage in this country sucks.  Maybe if it was better, we could bring these things to light.

I feel any moods I experience are blamed on my weight, and that implies they are not real.  The problem I am having now is that I know I cannot fix my weight UNTIL I fix other things, but I cannot figure out how to do that.  I'm stuck in a cycle.  It's exhausting.

Heat
Walking in the heat sucks.  It's not going to cool lower than 85 until after 10 pm for the next few days.  ARGH!  It's SO hot.  ALL the time.  It gets so warm in the morning.  Scott and I still go together.  Can we go in the morning?  Well, yes if I want to wake up at 3:30 because he starts getting ready for work at 4:10 and works at 6.  We can't go later than 8 at night, either, because with that early work schedule, he has to go to bed early, plus he has his eyesight problems so we can't go after dusk or he can't see minor things like big sidewalk cracks... he's tripped on them more than once.

ARGH.  I wish we could afford a gym membership sometimes.... like when it is hot or when there is ice on the sidewalks...

Only the good

Wonder how I can merge all my blogs together.  I kind of want to just do one blog for everything, but I separated myself too much.  Oh well.

So the only thing I have to say in what is becoming my habits blog is I no longer count how many days since my last cigarette.  That's a nice step in quitting... the day you realize you've lost count.  That was me, yesterday.  Feels like a relief.  I'm thinking about it a lot already today, but at least I can say "Hey, for a couple of days I forgot to count."

And we all survived.  Mostly.  Just some squabbles and lost tempers, but I'm not entirely convinced that is only about the smoking.

Smoking still okay, but not great.  Had a couple over the course of the week.  It's back to social rather than need, which is good in a way (mostly mental).  Gum is still my best friend, though not as often.  Yay.

Eating was all good until some events this week.  Mom's birthday, they picked a place where I really dislike the food except this one chicken dish...which is not good for you, but... and it was Mom's birthday so I didn't want to be difficult.  Stuff like that, but overall good.

Not a lot going in my head this week, but trying to remind myself that I'm overall doing okay with my goals and I need to remember that instead of focusing on incomplete success.  My moods have been horrible up and down a lot lately so must focus on positive while my mind allows it.

Pinata apples.  New apple we found at the market.  DELICIOUS... I keep saying this, but that's because we've had tons of apple choices lately, have bought and compared, and realized that some apples really are better than others, and not just based on the classic red, yellow, green varieties.  Used to love Braeburn, but Pinata are my new fave (when they are on sale, of course.  My taste buds still come in second to my frugal-ness.)

Bad Habits die hard

Well, I think I can say I have almost quit smoking; one cigarette in the last week.  I will officially say that quitting smoking is easier than dieting or changing eating habits.  This makes sense, of course, because when we quit something like smoking, we can rid ourselves of the tastes, the habits associated with it, and the triggers.  Well, when one of the main triggers for eating poorly is hunger, you have to make the decision every few hours, every day, every week and it gets tough sometimes.

Of course, the mental triggers are a big issue, too.  For me, stress is a mental trigger for smoking, but I do okay finding other ways to deal with it.  (Not necessarily better.  Sometimes it's talking, talking, talking - not a yell, but at a high enough volume and manic enough to be annoying.  Other times, it's crying.)  When I overeat, it's because I'm depressed, lonely, or need comfort.  Obviously I can go out and do things at those times to improve my mood, but too often, the outside activity also involves eating (esp in winter) because I despise shopping, don't enjoy the theater all that much, and what else can you do to stay warm?

Speaking of crying, I have heard this before, but three times this week I've heard guys say that crying is blackmail.  Well, I think I am weak if I cry, but that pisses me off.  Yeah, Scarlet O'Hara and her kind might use it to manipulate you, but if you're with a woman who doesn't cry on command, please, when she does cry, take it seriously!  I'm the first to admit that some women will manipulate in multiple ways, are demanding, the use and abuse.  It's not my fault if you hook up with one of them.  Try going for a woman who is intelligent and honest instead of focusing on long hair and big eyes and maybe you'll stop buying into those ideas like "crying is blackmail."  Sorry... had to rant.  That just came up a bunch altogether and after that last time I heard it, I couldn't let it go again, but I wasn't in a position to tell off the person who said it.  Bleh.

Whew!

Not a single puff since Tuesday!  I think rough patch is over.  Even if something bad happens, I think I can resist the temptation of smoking now.  Hopefully.  I am almost positive that I'm to the point where I can smoke one if I freak out and then not need another for months.  I'll take that.  I'll take anything less than every day and feeling the need to buy a pack instead of just a want.

As for the other things, well... I don't get it.  I have done it so I know I can do it.  Why can't I seem to get on track?  I know before I was focused on eating better, not over eating, and exercising.  Now I can only seem to think about the lbs I want lose.  The mindset might be the problem, but it is honestly something I've been trying to talk myself into for weeks and it is not happening.  Two nights ago (yeah, coincidence that it was the first day I had gone completely without smoking?  I doubt it.)  I said "I give up!" and then I just ate whatever I wanted.  The sucky part is I didn't feel bad about it.  Or maybe it's good that I didn't feel bad because I am so tired of feeling bad about things; feeling guilty for not dieting and thinking everyone who knows I have lost a bunch of weight is looking at me and thinking I'm a failure for eating a mozzarella stick...  OH melty cheeses.  You are my frenemy.

Keeping myself busy partly by making more stuff for my Etsy page (between temp job, running errands, and yes, I've actually been getting some writing and a lot of editing done).  Busy is the key, I think.

Gum supply: dented, but hanging in there.  In fact, I think I need a some starlight mint ice cream...in gum form.  Thank you Extra!

Last week, good!  Weekend, bad!  Sensing a theme?  I just get tired of it all.

BUT from cutting way back on smoking to quitting altogether, it has been all good.  I know "they" say cold turkey is best or gum or whatever, but I have this theory that you get used to the amount of nicotine in your system so first try to reduce that amount until it's comfortable.  Then, maybe, hopefully, cold turkey won't seem so bad.  I'm sure next week I'll have an update on that, but last night we cleared out the cigarettes. Today we are planning our walk to the market and to buy crickets which is the opposite direction of where we walk to buy smokes and for the most part we have plans all week to give us something, anything to do hoping that boredom won't become the excuse.

Still going to try eating right, but frankly I expect it will get harder as the week continues.

I do think I have every flavor of gum on the planet in our cupboard though...

Trying for weekly update...

Last week was okay.  Not good, but okay.  Some ups and downs, some feeling fatter, but getting complimented a couple times for looking like I've lost weight.  Always weird.

Peanut Butter... So, I thought the Skippy I bought before was 210 calories per serving and the delicious reduced fat was 180 so hey; saving 30, right?  I went to buy a new jar, got looking and realized the regular Skippy is 190 so it only saves 10 calories.  Don't care though.  I still, personally, think it tastes better.

Which is my segue into nuts.  First, I don't like nuts.  I like the flavor of almonds and on occasion I'll snack on some pistachios, but in general, I don't like nuts.  I don't buy them and usually pass them up at a snack bar.

So often, people will offer me some nuts.  "No, thanks" because good manners says keep it simple.  Why in this world do people need to say "NO!  I'm deathly allergic." With that implied sound of "How dare you offer?" (leading me to other rude behaviours like launching into a medical history including diseases and problems for which people haven't been diagnosed, but they exhibit one or two symptoms on a small scale so are convinced they have it and the whole world should feel sorry for them or give allowances for their rude or ignorant behaviour because of it.  End rant...sorry)

"They're good for you."  Sometimes I slip up and respond to this with "nuts are kind of high in calories and I've been dieting, you know, so thanks, but I'm okay."  I'm still polite, but.... this always ALWAYS leads to "But they are good fats."

Yes.  Nuts have good fats.  Nuts are kind of good for you - within reason.  I often want to launch into a moderation speech, but always refrain myself.  The fact is, nuts have good fats, but too much of them is still not good.  There are serving size suggestions on bags of nuts just like every other food, but I'll see people complain they can't lose weight, thinking that eating good fats is a good way to fill up, and eat a tube of nuts that is supposed to serve 3 people.  This is why the calorie method is just simpler.  It might not be comprehensive, but just like people who exhibit one symptom of asperger's syndrome don't necessarily have it, those who know only a little about nutrition should not act like nutritionists. (See how I brought that back to my earlier rant?  It's like I planned it!)  It's complicated.  The calorie method is simple.

I am aware I'm in the minority, though, because the new fad is Fitness Pal and once again, it didn't help me.  Doctor's say they have way more success with patients who use groups and things like that, but it has never worked for me and though nothing else is working right now, when things WERE working, those groups halted progress and then I progessed again as soon as I stopped participating.

Clearly, I'm meant to be a lonely soul.

And now the smoking.  Cut way way back, good.  Quit altogether?  {deep breath}  No.  Seriously, it's easier to quit smoking than to diet, though, so I know I can do it.  Getting there.  Not more than 24 hours, but close.  Close.  Trigger today is that I'm going out with the person who started me smoking again.  I know she won't pressure me, but still, the temptation is there.

This week, I swear! and other bad habits.

Bad weekend, but I swear I'm going to do better this week.  I am promising myself!!  Day by day.  Today starting off good.  I have plans for the rest of the day, but am staying current.  It's a moment by moment thing, but also a "have good plans" thing.  Working on both.

And taking sort-of advice from reader, I'm not going to weigh myself unless I notice a difference.  I fear not checking is how I let myself get so big before, but maybe it was just 'cause I didn't care.  I know that may also be part of the problem now... I just don't care.  At least I'm sticking to good habit, kind of.  Walking every single day, working out with videos a few times a week, but food is such a terrible temptation.

Bad habits
Last year I started smoking again.  A lot.  It's definitely a problem.  I used to smoke regularly, then I quit about 15 years ago.  Eventually I managed to smoke on and off (when cravings got really bad and I could have just started again)- like a weekend here and there, but I could always quit.  Now it's been about 15 months of constant, daily smoking.

Well, for about 4 weeks, I've been working up the courage to quit.  It seemed like too much to take one with the eating thing.  It's probably going to take me some time, but I have cut my intake considerably over the last week so I am hoping I can do it soon.

Again, don't want to blame spouse, but it's hard.  He smokes.  Always has.  He actually smoked very little when we dated and married so I didn't know it was going to be a problem.  A couple years later he picked it up and while he has also cut way back from what he was smoking, he still encourages me and invites me and makes it hard.  Blah.

Love him tons, but even those we love can exhaust us emotionally!

Kids
The thing is, when your kid gets to a certain point in school, they ask you to quit.  The school tells them to, I found out, which it totally fine.  I've seen this with Jane now as well as friends who smoke and their kids.  Now, while the school is telling these kids to ask their parents to quit, they leave out the part where withdrawal is really hard, makes you touchy and angry.  You have super low patience for everything and super hot temper for a few days.  Meanwhile, they are telling this to pre-teen kids who are already trying the patience of their parents.  AND, of course, NOT mentioning the side effects of coming off the nicotine so the kids know to be patient and behave and not fight back.

Beh.  I am mad at myself for starting up again, but I need to stop being mad and focus on quitting.  I know I can.  15 years is along time to go even if I smoked once in a while (like 3 times a year)

So, goodie - this blog may also start following those struggles too.