Less update, more rant.

Sometimes it feels like we're all so busy trying to find ways to be offended by other's words and actions that we don't even hear each other anymore.  Sometimes is feels like we are all so full of complaints that we don't have any room in our lives to worry about other people's pain.

I'm loathe to say I'm actually offended, but even well intentioned friends and family members can say things that are annoying and upsetting.  This is going in this blog mainly because I stand by my opinion that my weight loss is mine and mine alone.  Just because it's something you notice outwardly doesn't really give you the right to decide whether or not I'm allowed to put on a couple of pounds.

Word of advice, though.  Taking a break seems like a great idea after you've lost 100 lbs, but getting back on the wagon is really, really difficult.

Btw, it is made so much easier (sarcasm alert!) when you over hear conversations about your weight and such or when a friend makes a comment right to you face.

Also, using the excuse that you only care because I (we) seem happier only means you have no idea what's been going on lately.  Bullshit that it's about our health or happiness.  I don't see you smacking that candy bar out of a skinny person's hand and saying it's about their health and happiness.  I still believe people are more driven by what's aesthetically pleasing than really caring about their health. 

The fact is, we're eating pretty well, just not perfectly.  We're exercising every day.  Losing weight is an all or nothing commitment and if you aren't going to count calories and commit to reducing them from previous eating habits, then you can be eating healthy, exercising, and still not lose weight. Some people just have to eat better to drop lbs.  For others, it is a 100% commitment of time and energy.  This is the exhaustion that led us to our current "break".  We treat ourselves too much when we are out with friends, but no one can see how meager we eat at home.  It's just not balancing out, but that's still our choices, not yours to make.

Reflection.

I'm just reflecting on what makes a good day.  Yesterday was a good day.  We did a few fun things that involved exercise.  I twisted my ankle, but today has proven it's not as bad as I feared (swollen, tender, but clearly not anything too serious).  We spent time with awesome people during the afternoon and then again at night.  We ate fondue and seven layer dip for dinner.  

When you are on a weight loss plan, you forget that good days should not be measured by how far you walked or how many minutes you spent doing aerobics.  Instead it should be remembered as walking to the school and playing on the playground set with your kids. A good day is not one in which you only ate your allotted calories with specified ratio of fats to protein and number of vegetables.  It should be remembered as enjoying that seven layer dip and fondue because it is so rare that you eat those things, it becomes a treat.

This is the most difficult part of the balance.  Weight loss is not a life style change unless you want to become a person whose good days and bad days are measured by what you ate and how much you exercised instead of how much you enjoyed your foods and who you spent time with.  The part that can be "lifestyle" related is integrating these things into your day.

It becomes bigger than the rut we fall into.  First, you find yourself coming home from work, turning in the television, and only turning it off to go to bed.  Society demonizes this as laziness.  A person who comes home and reads all night is just as lazy, but more accepted because in the end, it isn't about laziness.  It is about forming a habit that does not lead to social interaction.  If you have a significant other or kids, it is so  much easier to bond with them by having the daily habit of following work with a nice long walk or a game of Let's Dance on the Wii.  If you live alone, find someone else who lives alone and create a walking group.

I would still love more interaction with my spouse than what we have now, but it has been a great stride toward that simply by finding opportunities to spend more time away from the house.  One of the ways we do that is by going for our walks which get longer as our health improves.

Second, the rut becomes wanting those thing we enjoy eating more and more often.  By not eating those things, when we do treat ourselves, they taste ten times better.  Laying off is not only about what we put into our bodies for health, it is also a way to enjoy those things even more.  The funny part is that some of the fatty foods don't taste good to me at all now so even fewer of the things I once enjoyed are things I even want when I am heading for a treat.

So again, I reiterate, it isn't a lifestyle change.  It is a mentality.  Start thinking differently and eventually that is the way you will think.  Act differently and eventually it is the way you will act.

I am trying to put my thoughts into words.  We have used the term "maintaining" and the phrase "taking a break" to explain where we are at right now.  People want to know what we are doing to lose weight because it doesn't seem to be working right now.  Well, we could say that we are watching what we eat and  continuing our activity levels in order to maintain, but for me, at least, that isn't exactly true.  I am not gaining weight, it is true, but I check it less often because I'm not going anywhere very quickly.  Maybe it is taking a break, but it's mostly taking a break from thinking about it.  The habit of a daily walk is now so necessary and refreshing that we go for the walk every day because we want fresh air and to escape the mundane house.  We eat what we want and I try to steer my tastes toward things that aren't too salty or sweet so that when I am at a holiday party (of which there will be many this season!) I can enjoy the variety provided there.  We are not on a maintenance plan, we are simply sitting in a general weight range because we now think differently enough about what we eat and what activities we do that we can just rest on those new habits.

This could easily become falling back into old habits, of course, so a small amount of thought does go into  those things each day.  It is still good to monitor the weight and use it as a reminder that we don't want to fall back into those bad habits.  

We do intend to return to the more strict regime in the future.  I won't use the holidays as an excuse because we did pretty well during the holidays last year, but I think we just felt so burned out by the constant thoughts, that we need to remember who we are without the weight loss before we will feel ready to push ourselves again.  That's okay.  You wouldn't think so because of the sheer number of people who ask what we're doing now, how much we've lost recently, and, of course (my pet peeve) offering unsolicited advice on how we can lose more, but it really is okay!

It has always been my advice to take yourself away from a situation that is burning you out if you can because it only takes willpower to return.  Willpower is difficult at time, but in the end, you have control over it.  If you continue to push and push, you will burn out completely and never return.  In fact, it is my belief that burning out completely is what leads to a return of bad habits more quickly - because you worked too hard and now all your brain wants are the things that are bad for you.  It is better to keep yourself in check and if you can't think about it right now, just step away and return refreshed instead of keeping your head in the game until you just can't think about it anymore.

Product testing

We bought Dr. Praeger's veggie burgers at Costco because they haven't had Boca Burgers for a while.  Hoping to save a few bucks from buying them at Target, we thought it might be worth a try.  Scott had them once at a work barbecue and thought they were not bad, but without the "atmosphere" he found them a little less tasty.  They taste a bit like egg rolls and are really not bad to taste, but I put cheese on mine and that was definitely a mistake.  I think they would be a great ingredient to something else, but I would not recommend them as a burger substitute as I would with a Boca Burger.  Scott and I are going to try the rest in a few recipes and if we come up with something tasty and low calorie, we'll be sure to fill you in!

More things no one ever mentions...

When you lose a substantial amount of weight, you're left with all this skin.  It hangs, puckers, and flops, but just keep remembering, there less fat in there.  Aside from aesthetics, though, come the laws of motion.

First we worked on getting out there; going for walks.  Next we increased distance.  Finally, we felt the need to increase speed, but by now we've lost so much weight that as we move, the excess keeps going.  It's a weird and uncomfortable feeling to have your thigh skin and muscles trying to continue backward when it's time to move forward.  It's this indescribable annoyance of walking with hanging flesh.  It actually feels like you are working against yourself and therefore can't quite reach the high speeds of walking you might otherwise want to do.  Interesting.  I wouldn't have predicted the feeling...

But who can afford surgery to get rid of it?  Certainly not me.  Le sigh.

DIY Delicious

My newest acquisition is quite exciting, though it will involve more work.  I got a meat grinder which means I can grind my own turkey and chicken.  Having seen the price per pound rise steadily as people switch to ground turkey and chicken for health reasons while whole turkey and chicken remain about the same (increasing, yes, but not nearly as quickly) I had the thought that grinding my own couldn't be too hard.  HA HA!  I have taken meat off chicken before, but to do all that, then grind it and see the amount left was a bit exhausting.  I am still thrilled, though, because I can add my own seasonings, do a bunch when they are on sale, freeze it, and still be prepared without spending exorbitant amounts. Besides, it give me the freedom to cut away as much fat as possible.  I expect industrial grinders throw in everything except the bone so in theory, mine could be a bit leaner.  Let's not even mention the possible preservatives and salts that can be added without you really noticing.  It's not something I fret about - partly because the same things could possibly be in the whole foods we buy as well - but I will still convince myself that it's a step in the right direction and I'm nothing if not a proponent for baby steps!

I intend to figure out how to make vegetarian or even vegan sausage, etc. as well so we can hit the farmer's market in summer and create beautiful dishes.

We made stuffed peppers for our Halloween party with the chicken we ground as our trial run.  Adding a few ingredients, I noticed that almost everyone gobbled it down.  At least I can rest assured that it wasn't terrible tasting... YAY!

My obligation ends right here...

Between my husband and myself, we have lost a lot of weight.  We have given advice, talked about how we did it, and been a great example.  We have shown that two people who are quite obese can lose a lot of weight.  We have rebooted out lives.

But our obligation ends right outside our own skin.  Lately, we haven't been losing much.  Well, Scott's lost a little more, but I've been fluctuating within a ten pound range.  Every time we see people, they ask how much more we have lost.  Well, not much recently.  I know we have been open and seem happy to accept your praise, but I am not thin.  Scott is not thin.  We are still not obligated to "you" to lose more weight.

Some of the reactions we get - I know are very well meaning - make me feel unacceptable.  I don't really care what you think, but at the same time, "sometimes you need a break" is not as supportive as you think.  To me, you are saying "You don't look good enough yet.  Lose more."  Like I care.  I do look good.  I want to lose more and I know I'll be ready to recommit soon, but I realize I need to stop pressuring myself to make that commitment today or tomorrow.

It's a heady feeling to have people say you look great, but I'm also not obligated to be grateful for every compliment.  I'm done with obligations.

I just want it to be really clear that we are allowed to take an extended break.  I also hope people out there who may be reading know it's okay to take a break as long as you feel like it's a good place to do so... We've had enough success at this point to appreciate the break.

A few words about depression.

About 5 years ago when I joined Curves, they gave me a book.  I brought it home and it sat around for a couple of months before I read it and when I finally did, I found a lot of information I had heard before.  After years of being overweight, you become an arm chair expert on losing weight whether you like it or not.  Everyone has advice.  Pretty soon you start sorting out the information based on source and practicality.  The rest of it gets filed away and dismissed because it's a bunch of hooey.  Still, you hear it all.  The book had very little "new" information to share, but it did start out by offending me with its chapter about how eating is immature because it is giving in.  Whatever!  It's called survival instinct whether a person overeats or not.  It's about limits.  Calling eaters immature is a rude, bullying tactic - something I recognize quickly after years of school bullying.

Anyway, at the end of the book, it claimed to be reporting a series of studies showing how exercise affected depression.  The source they used had three groups; one that was on anti-depressant medication, one which combined medication and exercise, and the third used exercise alone to control depression.  According to them, of course, because we must sell, sell, sell the gym, they reported that the third group had the most success.

I've dealt with depression, too, and have gotten pretty damn good at hiding it.  I've heard eating right and exercise is all a person needs to get over it.  I've heard many things relating the two, actually.  Reading it in that book gave me so much hope - I pinned everything on it.

Today I would like to say to all those people who say exercise will help with depression: You are all liars.  LIARS.  After a number of months at  Curves, the depression started to settle in.  I tried doing things for other people.  I tried eating better.  I tried exercising even more.  I feel sure it wasn't related to my weight or weight loss because it wasn't something that came up when I felt bad, nor did thinking about those things make me feel worse.  I just felt blue, then down, then worse and nothing helped.  Nothing in my life gave cause for this (just to dispell people who think only when bad things happen to a person do they have the right to be depressed) it was just there like a dark shadow.

Well, maybe I have reason now, but my life is pretty good.  I have kept exercising great.  Yeah, I haven't been perfect on my diet, but I'm not eating a ton of bad stuff (except when I'm at parties.  I don't know what it is, but I'm allowing myself to indulge when I'm in a party setting more than I had been).  At home and most of the time, I eat within my calories and even when I go over, there are quite a few great things I'm eating so the bad isn't a bunch of Twinkies or potato chips.  Still, it's been bad.  Bad enough that I look back at that time at Curves and look at things now and have two cases where I can confirm YOU ARE ALL LIARS.  It is ridiculous to think a fat person is depressed because of how they eat or how much they exercise.  No one would accuse a skinny person of the same thing.

I don't want to talk about it too much, really, but trying to claw my way out is just as exhausting as being depressed in the first place.  Still, I think I've pretty well established my reluctance for medical help no matter how bad things get.  Hey, next time I almost bleed to death, I promise to go to a hospital.