Yeah, this is kind of becoming that place where I vent the difference between beauty and value, because it has been my belief that people value you if you are beautiful and in the end, even those who say they value you because of the person you are will end up relating it to beauty they perceive.

http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me

I watched the Dove video, then saw a link to that and loved it because parts of it addressed things I thought.  Other parts brought up things I didn't even think about.  Love to be challenged.

I know it's easy to compliment or notice appearance before anything else.  It's surface.  It's convenient.  In some cases, a person I didn't immediately think was gorgeous will become so as I get to know them.  In other cases, of course, someone will seem attractive until they open their mouth.  What we think about someone's appearance can be affected by what we know of their personality, but there is definitely too narrow a view on what would be considered immediately attractive to begin with.

The issue not mentioned in that article is that those people met the person they described.  What if one of them had been a nasty beast?  Would her sketch have come out the way it did?  One wonders.  Anyway, read the article.  It has a link to the video in it.  Watch it.  Think beyond the initial shallow surface view...

I'm going to take a moment here to post a whole YouTube channel full of videos.  They are done by our friend and for the most part, they just go through workout poses we have seen before, but give great tips on how to do it right.

There is also a great video about dying a dress purple.  HA!

http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6pgwMhTatj1FlHzmXx-G0w/videos

Desserts

Number 1
I like my treats and in the summer, I love my treats frozen.  Yeah, you can get delicious frozen treats by Weight Watchers for more than $5.  You can get some decent 100 calorie pops by Creamies for about $3.50.  Snickers makes a 100 calorie treat that, it turns out, is just too small even when I'm dieting.

Meanwhile, in the category of "that's kinda obvious" a box of Jello pudding is about $1 and makes 4 1/2 cup servings.  Well, at the dollar store, we found popsicle molds that hold about 2 ounces so one box makes 8 pops.  Yes, Jello Puddin' Pops.  Remember the days?  A serving made with skim milk is less than 100 calories and you can have all kinds of fun.  We made Cookies and Cream last week and this week I used cheesecake flavor, then crushed some graham crackers and mixed it in at the last moment to make something that turned out especially delicious.  Butterscotch is a standard fave in this house, but I also bought banana cream (I am going to try pureed bananas in it) and lemon cream to try later.

My personal tip?  Whip 400 times or for about 1-1/2 minutes instead of the 2 minutes recommended.  It thickens fast and is hard to get into the mold.  If you mix it just before that level, you can pour it like juice, then freeze.  Also, while I like the sugar free pudding for snacking, I do not like it as much frozen.  Pudding cannot be made with soy because it doesn't thicken, but if you are going to freeze them, does it matter?  So if you like pudding, but have switched to soy, this is a way to still enjoy pudding.

Number 2
Popcorn is a pretty great diet treat, but what to do when you are either bored or have a sweet tooth?  I bought a popcorn machine so that I could control exactly what went on my popcorn.  After making Holiday chocolate treats, I had leftover candy melts and came up with an idea.

Pop the popcorn without butter, salt, or anything else.  Lay out on a cookie sheet.  Melt just a few ounces of chocolate in the microwave just until smooth.  Use a fork to pick some up out of my measuring cup, then spin in small circles over the popcorn.  When it cools, you have a tasty treat with just a hint of sweet.  You can buy candy melts in many flavors including dark mint (tastes like junior mints, but way fewer calories!), milk chocolate, and eggnog (special at Christmas time).  Recently I found a bag of special flavored rasberry sherbet.  It made a really tasty popcorn treat for out last movie night.

When Your Mother Says She's Fat

I know to be careful.  I try to see myself positively every day so that my daughter doesn't intuitively figure out that I know I'm fat, I think I'm ugly, and somehow this automatically makes me stupid and unimportant.  It doesn't matter.  The reality is it's impossible not to feel that sometimes when society makes it 100% clear what the expectations are.

Great article here...

When Your Mother Says She's Fat

Every Day

Still, every day is a struggle.

I make associations to over eating and addiction a lot.  People smoke, drink, do drugs to escape reality, cope, forget about the things that upset them, to avoid dealing with mental issues they might have.  It's not always as simple as chasing a high.  I've heard people say they overeat to feel comfort or fill a void and I'm not sure I can say that strikes an exact chord, but eating does call to me when my mental state is hurting.  Of course, eating may then cause poorer mental states, but so does drinking and smoking.

There is, however, one huge difference between ending a chemical dependency and trying to diet.  One of the main goals of quitting smoking, drinking, etc is to get to place where you don't think about it every minute of every day.  You use many tools, including mind over matter, to put it out of your mind and end that thought process.

A human cannot end their dependency on food.  When we are not watching our weight, we are not thinking about food.  This is how our dependency on fat and sugars is created, but NOT thinking.  When we want to lose weight, it will only work if you ARE thinking about food and exercise every minute of every day.  Not only do you have to talk yourself out of temptation, you have to talk yourself into the right choices.

FOR ME it was easier to quit smoking and is easier for me to quit caffeine (which I never do permanently, but I do from time to time).  I cannot say that dieting is more difficult that quitting heroin as I've never been a hardcore drug addict.  I can say, however, that the battle might be longer.  While coke addicts have been known to say that they still wish they could do it years and years after they quit, the ones I know personally have also admitted it's only an occasional thought.  Someone prone to weight problems has to think about food and such every single day for the rest of their lives.  Let your guard down and the next thing you know, you're plumping out again.  Take a break and you know that losing weight is a tough train to get back on.

Mental Relation
The fact is, I'm having to admit that my mental state relates completely to my eating habits and I can no longer blame my eating habits for my mental state.  I've known this to be true for a long time, but I read and hear so much from thin people saying that eating causes these mental problems that I don't feel I can speak out and say sometimes (probably most of the time!) it's the other way around so give me a break.  Give all of us a break.  Mental health coverage in this country sucks.  Maybe if it was better, we could bring these things to light.

I feel any moods I experience are blamed on my weight, and that implies they are not real.  The problem I am having now is that I know I cannot fix my weight UNTIL I fix other things, but I cannot figure out how to do that.  I'm stuck in a cycle.  It's exhausting.

Heat
Walking in the heat sucks.  It's not going to cool lower than 85 until after 10 pm for the next few days.  ARGH!  It's SO hot.  ALL the time.  It gets so warm in the morning.  Scott and I still go together.  Can we go in the morning?  Well, yes if I want to wake up at 3:30 because he starts getting ready for work at 4:10 and works at 6.  We can't go later than 8 at night, either, because with that early work schedule, he has to go to bed early, plus he has his eyesight problems so we can't go after dusk or he can't see minor things like big sidewalk cracks... he's tripped on them more than once.

ARGH.  I wish we could afford a gym membership sometimes.... like when it is hot or when there is ice on the sidewalks...

Water contest.

We all have trouble drinking enough water.  Soda, water with crystal light packets, gatorade, yes, but clean water to flush out the system efficiently?  No.  It's not just me.  Jane complains about a cramp or an ailment and half the time I say "drink more water" because half the time the symptoms she describes sound like dehydration.  Scott has been doing better since his kidney stone, but he's starting to drink tons of soda again.  Me, I just don't drink anything.  I forget.

Well, Monday, Jane asked (out of the blue) if we could have a water drinking contest for the day.  I brought Scott into it and suggested we each count our ounces each day.  At the end of the day, a winner would be noted and at the end of the week, the one who won the most days would get to pick the family movie.  Wow... water consumption!  It's been much better.  Why didn't we think of this sooner?

Bunch of info...

I am, by no means, saying that the way I eat (when dieting) is healthy.  Probably not, but I stumbled over to Health.com this morning and found a few things that support things I have been saying either here on my blog or in real life.

27 Mistakes Healthy People Make got my attention mostly because of my rants about how people think skinny means healthy.  Even this title says so.  I sort of wish it said 27 Mistakes "Healthy" People Make.  Of course, this is just the beginning.  #1 - buying organic.  People think buying organic is healthier.  "Buying organic is wise for certain foods, such as beef or strawberries, but it doesn't make much difference for others, like avocados or eggs.  
And don't assume that all organic foods are healthier than non-organic options, or that organic equals healthy. Organic choices are usually pricier, for one thing. And organic high-calorie, high-fat granola bars and sugary cereals are just as bad for you as the non-organic version."
My note: Buying organic is a bloated politically correct thing we are supposed to to if we care about the environment.  I learned that "organic" as often an advertising ploy as tainted as anything else.  Example: Generally, cows raised for milk are given antibiotics constantly.  True.  Organic means some governing agency has made sure the cows have never had antibiotics or other medication.  True.  Then I saw a farmer who sells his milk and cheese at a farmer's market because he does not qualify as either organic or non-organic.  Why?  Because he does not distribute antibiotics to his animals *unless they are sick*.  Humane.  He wanted to become organic because, he claims, he realizes the milk is better without those antibiotics and growth hormones, but he also could not stand by and watch his animals die because they caught something and in order to be certified organic, you have to just let them die.  Wow.  Well, we don't eat much beef in this family and we mainly buy soy milk because of allergies to cow's milk so cheese is my only worry and...well... that's processed and such in a way that I can't justify "organic" cheese.

Besides, organic products always cost more.  Someone is making more money by slapping that label on there.  I realize that it's supposed to be because it costs more to raise things this way (you lose more crops, more cows, whatever and those have to be replaced) and it's a simple supply and demand issue - it will continue to cost more as popularity for it rises.

I won't go through these one by one, but they list a bunch of things I know are true.  Don't skimp on sleep.  Socialize more (that was interesting, but I do see the value.  Like sleep, our mental health affects our physical health.)

Supplements - I heard this pyramid scheme which sells diet shakes so that it's "legit" saying that you should never take supplements because your body doesn't digest it and use it.  It simply goes through and you poop it out.  Classy.  Also, wrong.  Your body uses what it can.  If there is too much of something, your liver and kidneys are there to get rid of it.  Granted, this article points out you can still be taking too much, but I think we sometimes forget that our bodies are efficient machines.

Germaphobes (slide #8) - But evidence also suggests that some germ exposure could steer the immune system away from allergies, and that an overly sterile environment might be bad.


I'm quite sure I did a post about this before.  Your immune system gets stronger by fighting things off.  Yeah, take precautions, but don't overdo!

#9 You over- or underdo alternative remedies
Agreed.  I believe both are very useful, but so many I talk to seem to think it's one or the other.  Don't discount the herbal remedies, but don't believe whatever the doctor is selling without question, either.



#13 - calorie free sodas.  yeah, it's my weakness.  I know I did better when I cut way back on them, but even when losing weight, I did have a little every day.  My guilty pleasure.  I defend the fact that people should remember that if they can narrow down just one thing that makes the whole diet thing bearable, then find a way to work that in.  Love sweets?  Allow yourself a piece of Extra's dessert gum or one can of soda per day.   I'm sure we shouldn't have it at all to be truly healthy, but for me this is what helps me make it through.  My husband loves salty chips so we buy Special K snacks or Baked Lays.  Low in salt, but just enough to get him through from time to time.

#14 - water... they are talking about drinking too much, but I admit, I don't drink enough.  This amused me.  The other day I was told that our body only recognizes straight water as water.  "It thinks" anything else is food.  Personifying is one of those annoying things people do.  The body is a machine.  Cells, fat, and the liver don't think, they simply process.  I know that you can't count soda or Gatorade as your daily water intake, but your body doesn't think my coffee is food.  I also know if I drink 16 oz of coffee, my body does not get 16 oz of water from that.

#16 - you think you know more than your doc.

Sometimes you do.  Yeah, I think some people are looking at things on the internet and believing what they read because it sounds good (or bad, sometimes) but they don't look at the supporting facts that prove it's wrong.  People who don't immunize at all are following a trend that seems informed, but in reality, there is way way way more information showing why you should.  They don't bother to research why they question, they just think they are being informed.

Meanwhile, we've had diagnoses from a doctor that is complete nonsense.  We look at symptoms on the internet and realize the doc made the diagnosis based solely on weight, not on symptoms.  A person with sleep apnea is often fatigued, snores, doesn't breathe in the middle of the night, etc, etc.  Scott had anxiety over our house fire and the doctor decided the anxiety was due to lack of sleep which was due to apnea.  Later, the same doctor decided he needed diabetic medication because he was not told about a blood test that day and ate a blueberry bagel before the blood test which spiked the blood once.  Since then, his levels have been well below normal - below the numbers that have had other family members taken off their diabetic meds, yet he is still on them.  I get frustrated because he listens to these doctors too much.  I think it's a balance.  Listen to your doctor, but it's okay to question them as well.

#17 - You think healthy packaging equals healthy food.

Ha, so true!  Healthy food is a marketing ploy and it is working because people buy into these things without research or question!  I saw a documentary about food and I loved this one guy who pointed out that he could sell you a bag of sugar that says "fat free!" but it will still make you fat.  People don't realize that while there are good fats and bad fats, both should be limited, but cutting out all bad fats won't make you thin, by itself.  You also have to simply eat less.  You feel hungry sometimes, sure, but you have to just eat less.  Fat free isn't helpful unless you still count calories or something.

#19 - you still don't eat your fruits and veggies.

Oh, thank god!  It's not just me!  I mean, I try every day, but....

$24 - You don't read nutrition labels.

I do, now, and I have to say it is eye opening!  Often, I'll be at a party or lunch and hear people say things that I know aren't true about certain foods because I've read the label and obviously they haven't.   Kashi go lean might have more fiber, but the "go lean" is deceiving because Eggo waffles and most cereals we buy are lower in both calories and fat than Kashi products... so what are they comparing it to?  go lean from what?  A pound of bacon for breakfast?  Yes.  Leaner than Cheerios?  Nope.

Okay, that's enough blathering for today.  I just realized the time and I need to start my other tasks for the day...

Boring

Nothing new this week except wondering what I'm doing anyway.  I want to research aspects of foods and dieting, but in the end everything that is good for you has some chemical, genetic alteration, or political issue to make them bad if you want to be aware of your body and the world.  Last week I heard we are bad people if we eat bananas.

Can't win.

I did catch this special on PBS about exercise I found very interesting.

General update: Did okay this week, but not fantastic.  Exercised a little more during the week and that felt nice, but did too much leg stuff so my legs felt weary by evening and my arms did not.  Then yesterday, I stepped funny on edge of sidewalk and twisted my ankle badly enough that I couldn't just walk it off.  I hate being clumsy.  I believed this one doctor who said if I lost weight, I'd be less clumsy.  Well, I did not fall for the first 70 lbs I lost, but in the last few years, I've fallen a bunch of times so obviously it's not just weight that makes a gal clumsy.

I don't like being all negative here a lot, but I feel like so much is blamed on weight... problems skinny people have too, but they say it's worse for fat people because of this and that.  Recently the governor threw out a statistic about how obesity costs the health care system billions of dollars and that's like 70% of problems.  I looked online.  The only thing I can calculate is that he got his stats based on obesity coming up as one cause in anything.  Cancer can be linked to a million things, but because some cancers MAY be related to obesity, it's considered one of the things that increases health care.  The fibroids I had are not completely understood, but on research they say it can be caused by a, b, c, d, e, obesity, f, and g (in descending order of likelihood) and yet that would come up as a reason for rising costs in health care.

I'm not trying to defend obesity, but I still believe people's arguments for being rude are based on ascetics, not health care because they will overlook other unhealthy activity by anyone except smokers and fat people.  They are, obviously, terrible human beings simply because they smoke or are obese.  You don't know my life.

Stop caring

Well, things are a little better right now.  Suggestion was made - which reminded me - that I need to research my foods again.  I think I need to see the fat and calories of the restaurant foods of the foods I should not be eating to remind myself why I should NOT be eating it.

Although, it really has been better, even over the weekend which has been the biggest struggle.

Thinking about food really is something that will get you every time.  It's so easy to find an excuse to grab fast food.  One thing I am reminding myself is if I throw a chicken breast on the George Foreman grill, it takes 8 minutes to cook.  If you hit a drive thru window, it takes about 20 minutes.  The last two times we stopped at Carl's Jr., it took them 10 minutes to make our meals.  They have a lovely turkey burger, but the chicken is still better...

Jane's Lacrosse schedule is another way to make an easy excuse, but we did okay with that last week as well.  Getting into this whole swing of things is not what I expected.  Karate and swimming parents are SO different to team sports parents.  Somehow I'm the outsider just waiting for the school day to end 'cause I don't give a crap about their piddly conversations again.  Yay.  Does that sound stupid?  Or like I think they are stupid?  Not my intention.  We're just different people and sometimes I feel like they think that because they are skinny and active, it means they are different in a better way.

Stop caring.

I'll try.

What to do?

What do you do when you realize that you are back at the beginning?

We're still walking every day; great.  I know I've chastised myself a lot on my eating behaviours, but they aren't quite as bad as they were, I don't think.  I eat really bad once or twice a week, but I was eating badly for every meal, every day, with unhealthy snacks in between.  Now, at least, I eat totally healthy Monday through Friday from morning until dinner.  Last week, Jane was out of school for a week and I took her out to lunch twice, then we had our bad habits weekend and I felt like such total crap Sunday night - I'm still recovering!  I know I could have eaten that way every day 5 years ago and been just fine.

I shouldn't chastise the 'him' in this program, but I am so incredibly frustrated!  Several evenings lately, I've cooked a healthy dinner.  He goes back for seconds and thirds; what was once our leftovers for a second night or lunches the next day which means the next day, new food.

The logistics here is that when you go on a diet, we know people say a concern when you're on a tight budget is the cost of healthy foods.  I totally agree, but if you moderate the amounts of food and stop buying junk food, it sort of evens itself out.

Now, we haven't been eating fantastic for a while, but we've still been doing okay.  After last grocery trip, I was a little upset about the bill and have been monitoring the household ever since.  This made me notice that 'he's eating healthy foods, sure, but having large amounts.  This is what led to buying cheap, fatty foods the first time around!

And I'm having flash backs.  There were so many times I tried to eat healthier - not necessarily offering half a plate of veggies and a tiny serving of meat, but I would only prepare a decent size meal for each of us instead of enough for a small army.  (This was an adjustment for us both coming from households of 7-8 kids...)  If I prepared only that much, he'd go back and make something else to eat.  Often in smelled good and I'd eat it too, bad on me, but I don't do that now.  I just stew in frustration because the grocery bill goes up and the only way I know to bring it back down is to fall back to those things you can buy that are more junk for less money.

I'm also seeing that there are lots of nights when we end up eating out because I'm tired or he won't help me make a decision on dinner until fast food comes into the list of possibilities.  I'm just exhausted.  I begged him last night to help me make good choices.  I mentioned that I was really tired and had a headache (this is not a common complaint so I don't think I deserved to be sidelined.  Even on the rare occasion I have a headache, I usually don't mention it and I try not to act like it.) I tried making dinner and getting feedback from him about chicken or spaghetti and he sat there like a bump on the log until I asked where the coupons went.  I was looking for shopping coupons I needed to put away, but he finally moved, grabbed the restaurant coupons, and started participating in the choices.  I chose something I happened to know was pretty okay, but the habit of going out to eat HAS to stop!

Since we started this whole venture, he has gotten a new job and a raise so now we can afford to go out more than we could and frankly I can still afford to buy that healthy food in higher portions I mentioned above, but it's not like we're so well off that those choices don't end up affecting other things we can buy.  We did frugal for so long, that now I could use a new vacuum, washer, dryer, and I recently splurged on a broom, but now that we could put money aside, we find ourselves eating out more.  How can I win?

I'll give up flavor sometimes for a simple chicken tender and salad meal.  He doesn't flat out complain, but he makes it clear that it's too much green, not enough food, and not enough flavor by drowning in sauces, eating all the leftovers, then poking around the fridge for something else to eat.

Sideways observation: You see those people on TV sometimes who are so large and they don't get out of bed.  Someone brings them 15 cheeseburgers just for lunch and that person gets blamed for enabling.  Some other day, you see some couple and she's saying "he calls me fat and tells me what to eat" - usually you find out those weren't his exact words, but he claims he is just trying to help her, lovingly, and the response is typically "you don't tell someone you love that they are fat.  You don't imply it or hint at it."  Because that doesn't help.  They don't feel like doing something about it if you say something negative.  So what to do?  According to psychologists as well as the public response I've observed on those lame "healthy living" newcasts and articles I've been reading online; we don't tell they they are fat, don't point out their bad habits, and don't enable them.  Seriously.  That's what I am trying to do, but it's affecting ME.  We're married.  It's bullshit to say that you have to do it for yourself if you're in a relationship with someone with BAD HABITS.  It's unrealistic and just continues the problem.  There's got to be a solution, but I can't seem to find it.

I just feel like it's a major regression.  I'm trying and trying to make improvements, but I am met with grumpy resilience until I concede or, if I'm determined enough not to concede, I have to drum up the strength to face it again tomorrow and every day after.  It's what made me give up on asking him to go walking until he had a health scare and it's what made cooking for myself difficult for years. It's also what makes me depressed and tired all the time.

Only the good

Wonder how I can merge all my blogs together.  I kind of want to just do one blog for everything, but I separated myself too much.  Oh well.

So the only thing I have to say in what is becoming my habits blog is I no longer count how many days since my last cigarette.  That's a nice step in quitting... the day you realize you've lost count.  That was me, yesterday.  Feels like a relief.  I'm thinking about it a lot already today, but at least I can say "Hey, for a couple of days I forgot to count."

And we all survived.  Mostly.  Just some squabbles and lost tempers, but I'm not entirely convinced that is only about the smoking.

Smoking still okay, but not great.  Had a couple over the course of the week.  It's back to social rather than need, which is good in a way (mostly mental).  Gum is still my best friend, though not as often.  Yay.

Eating was all good until some events this week.  Mom's birthday, they picked a place where I really dislike the food except this one chicken dish...which is not good for you, but... and it was Mom's birthday so I didn't want to be difficult.  Stuff like that, but overall good.

Not a lot going in my head this week, but trying to remind myself that I'm overall doing okay with my goals and I need to remember that instead of focusing on incomplete success.  My moods have been horrible up and down a lot lately so must focus on positive while my mind allows it.

Pinata apples.  New apple we found at the market.  DELICIOUS... I keep saying this, but that's because we've had tons of apple choices lately, have bought and compared, and realized that some apples really are better than others, and not just based on the classic red, yellow, green varieties.  Used to love Braeburn, but Pinata are my new fave (when they are on sale, of course.  My taste buds still come in second to my frugal-ness.)

Bad Habits die hard

Well, I think I can say I have almost quit smoking; one cigarette in the last week.  I will officially say that quitting smoking is easier than dieting or changing eating habits.  This makes sense, of course, because when we quit something like smoking, we can rid ourselves of the tastes, the habits associated with it, and the triggers.  Well, when one of the main triggers for eating poorly is hunger, you have to make the decision every few hours, every day, every week and it gets tough sometimes.

Of course, the mental triggers are a big issue, too.  For me, stress is a mental trigger for smoking, but I do okay finding other ways to deal with it.  (Not necessarily better.  Sometimes it's talking, talking, talking - not a yell, but at a high enough volume and manic enough to be annoying.  Other times, it's crying.)  When I overeat, it's because I'm depressed, lonely, or need comfort.  Obviously I can go out and do things at those times to improve my mood, but too often, the outside activity also involves eating (esp in winter) because I despise shopping, don't enjoy the theater all that much, and what else can you do to stay warm?

Speaking of crying, I have heard this before, but three times this week I've heard guys say that crying is blackmail.  Well, I think I am weak if I cry, but that pisses me off.  Yeah, Scarlet O'Hara and her kind might use it to manipulate you, but if you're with a woman who doesn't cry on command, please, when she does cry, take it seriously!  I'm the first to admit that some women will manipulate in multiple ways, are demanding, the use and abuse.  It's not my fault if you hook up with one of them.  Try going for a woman who is intelligent and honest instead of focusing on long hair and big eyes and maybe you'll stop buying into those ideas like "crying is blackmail."  Sorry... had to rant.  That just came up a bunch altogether and after that last time I heard it, I couldn't let it go again, but I wasn't in a position to tell off the person who said it.  Bleh.

Whew!

Not a single puff since Tuesday!  I think rough patch is over.  Even if something bad happens, I think I can resist the temptation of smoking now.  Hopefully.  I am almost positive that I'm to the point where I can smoke one if I freak out and then not need another for months.  I'll take that.  I'll take anything less than every day and feeling the need to buy a pack instead of just a want.

As for the other things, well... I don't get it.  I have done it so I know I can do it.  Why can't I seem to get on track?  I know before I was focused on eating better, not over eating, and exercising.  Now I can only seem to think about the lbs I want lose.  The mindset might be the problem, but it is honestly something I've been trying to talk myself into for weeks and it is not happening.  Two nights ago (yeah, coincidence that it was the first day I had gone completely without smoking?  I doubt it.)  I said "I give up!" and then I just ate whatever I wanted.  The sucky part is I didn't feel bad about it.  Or maybe it's good that I didn't feel bad because I am so tired of feeling bad about things; feeling guilty for not dieting and thinking everyone who knows I have lost a bunch of weight is looking at me and thinking I'm a failure for eating a mozzarella stick...  OH melty cheeses.  You are my frenemy.

Keeping myself busy partly by making more stuff for my Etsy page (between temp job, running errands, and yes, I've actually been getting some writing and a lot of editing done).  Busy is the key, I think.

Gum supply: dented, but hanging in there.  In fact, I think I need a some starlight mint ice cream...in gum form.  Thank you Extra!

Last week, good!  Weekend, bad!  Sensing a theme?  I just get tired of it all.

BUT from cutting way back on smoking to quitting altogether, it has been all good.  I know "they" say cold turkey is best or gum or whatever, but I have this theory that you get used to the amount of nicotine in your system so first try to reduce that amount until it's comfortable.  Then, maybe, hopefully, cold turkey won't seem so bad.  I'm sure next week I'll have an update on that, but last night we cleared out the cigarettes. Today we are planning our walk to the market and to buy crickets which is the opposite direction of where we walk to buy smokes and for the most part we have plans all week to give us something, anything to do hoping that boredom won't become the excuse.

Still going to try eating right, but frankly I expect it will get harder as the week continues.

I do think I have every flavor of gum on the planet in our cupboard though...

Trying for weekly update...

Last week was okay.  Not good, but okay.  Some ups and downs, some feeling fatter, but getting complimented a couple times for looking like I've lost weight.  Always weird.

Peanut Butter... So, I thought the Skippy I bought before was 210 calories per serving and the delicious reduced fat was 180 so hey; saving 30, right?  I went to buy a new jar, got looking and realized the regular Skippy is 190 so it only saves 10 calories.  Don't care though.  I still, personally, think it tastes better.

Which is my segue into nuts.  First, I don't like nuts.  I like the flavor of almonds and on occasion I'll snack on some pistachios, but in general, I don't like nuts.  I don't buy them and usually pass them up at a snack bar.

So often, people will offer me some nuts.  "No, thanks" because good manners says keep it simple.  Why in this world do people need to say "NO!  I'm deathly allergic." With that implied sound of "How dare you offer?" (leading me to other rude behaviours like launching into a medical history including diseases and problems for which people haven't been diagnosed, but they exhibit one or two symptoms on a small scale so are convinced they have it and the whole world should feel sorry for them or give allowances for their rude or ignorant behaviour because of it.  End rant...sorry)

"They're good for you."  Sometimes I slip up and respond to this with "nuts are kind of high in calories and I've been dieting, you know, so thanks, but I'm okay."  I'm still polite, but.... this always ALWAYS leads to "But they are good fats."

Yes.  Nuts have good fats.  Nuts are kind of good for you - within reason.  I often want to launch into a moderation speech, but always refrain myself.  The fact is, nuts have good fats, but too much of them is still not good.  There are serving size suggestions on bags of nuts just like every other food, but I'll see people complain they can't lose weight, thinking that eating good fats is a good way to fill up, and eat a tube of nuts that is supposed to serve 3 people.  This is why the calorie method is just simpler.  It might not be comprehensive, but just like people who exhibit one symptom of asperger's syndrome don't necessarily have it, those who know only a little about nutrition should not act like nutritionists. (See how I brought that back to my earlier rant?  It's like I planned it!)  It's complicated.  The calorie method is simple.

I am aware I'm in the minority, though, because the new fad is Fitness Pal and once again, it didn't help me.  Doctor's say they have way more success with patients who use groups and things like that, but it has never worked for me and though nothing else is working right now, when things WERE working, those groups halted progress and then I progessed again as soon as I stopped participating.

Clearly, I'm meant to be a lonely soul.

And now the smoking.  Cut way way back, good.  Quit altogether?  {deep breath}  No.  Seriously, it's easier to quit smoking than to diet, though, so I know I can do it.  Getting there.  Not more than 24 hours, but close.  Close.  Trigger today is that I'm going out with the person who started me smoking again.  I know she won't pressure me, but still, the temptation is there.

This week, I swear! and other bad habits.

Bad weekend, but I swear I'm going to do better this week.  I am promising myself!!  Day by day.  Today starting off good.  I have plans for the rest of the day, but am staying current.  It's a moment by moment thing, but also a "have good plans" thing.  Working on both.

And taking sort-of advice from reader, I'm not going to weigh myself unless I notice a difference.  I fear not checking is how I let myself get so big before, but maybe it was just 'cause I didn't care.  I know that may also be part of the problem now... I just don't care.  At least I'm sticking to good habit, kind of.  Walking every single day, working out with videos a few times a week, but food is such a terrible temptation.

Bad habits
Last year I started smoking again.  A lot.  It's definitely a problem.  I used to smoke regularly, then I quit about 15 years ago.  Eventually I managed to smoke on and off (when cravings got really bad and I could have just started again)- like a weekend here and there, but I could always quit.  Now it's been about 15 months of constant, daily smoking.

Well, for about 4 weeks, I've been working up the courage to quit.  It seemed like too much to take one with the eating thing.  It's probably going to take me some time, but I have cut my intake considerably over the last week so I am hoping I can do it soon.

Again, don't want to blame spouse, but it's hard.  He smokes.  Always has.  He actually smoked very little when we dated and married so I didn't know it was going to be a problem.  A couple years later he picked it up and while he has also cut way back from what he was smoking, he still encourages me and invites me and makes it hard.  Blah.

Love him tons, but even those we love can exhaust us emotionally!

Kids
The thing is, when your kid gets to a certain point in school, they ask you to quit.  The school tells them to, I found out, which it totally fine.  I've seen this with Jane now as well as friends who smoke and their kids.  Now, while the school is telling these kids to ask their parents to quit, they leave out the part where withdrawal is really hard, makes you touchy and angry.  You have super low patience for everything and super hot temper for a few days.  Meanwhile, they are telling this to pre-teen kids who are already trying the patience of their parents.  AND, of course, NOT mentioning the side effects of coming off the nicotine so the kids know to be patient and behave and not fight back.

Beh.  I am mad at myself for starting up again, but I need to stop being mad and focus on quitting.  I know I can.  15 years is along time to go even if I smoked once in a while (like 3 times a year)

So, goodie - this blog may also start following those struggles too.

Happy Accidents and Annoying Struggles

Why is this extra delicious?

When we started our diet ages ago, I pretty much cut peanut butter out of my diet.  I love it immensely, but when calculating the amounts, I just didn't get enough long term satisfaction and often felt pretty hungry before dinner came along.  In actuality, I cut out tons of sauces, jams, and the like and started eating most foods plain (and often kind of bland) because those were calories I could spend better elsewhere.

Then we went off the extreme diet and tried to just eat healthy.  I'd have a good old pb&j (with less j than the old days and still on low cal bread) or I'd just have it on an apple slice or banana so I could still enjoy the flavor.  The point is, this made PB last months in our house.  I buy at Costco - 2 large jars.  I bought them a year ago and we just ran out last month so I picked up a regular jar at Target thinking it would last anyway.

Well, last week, I cut up and apple, doled out 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, and had it with coffee for breakfast.  Holy cow.  I thought "Is this what fresh peanut butter tastes like?  Were those jars older than I realized?"  So tasty!  I knew I had the same brand and had picked up creamy as usual.  Next morning, I had it on banana and could not get over how delicious it tasted.

Third day, I'm making a pb&j for Jane's lunch (we only do it about once a month or so because kids don't need all the sugar either, right?) and I look at the jar.  Huh.  Did they redesign the package?  It seems a little less blue.  Nope.  It's 25% less fat - and by this, about 50 calories less per serving!

Long story to say that I love love love when you think something tastes better and then realize it's better for you!

Full Disclosure

People often ask if we've lost more weight.  Simple question, but by now you've probably guessed it's kind of a pet peeve.  Frankly, it's no one else's business.  Mostly I buck up and admit we haven't, but we're trying to maintain.  Sometimes they say that's great, as long as you're not gaining.

But the secret is I do gain.  And lose.  And go back on the diet and fall off the wagon and up and down.  It's about a 10 pound fluctuation so it's not really anything to be concerned about, but I'd really like to go down down down.  Who wouldn't?  The stupid thing is I'll be doing great on the diet, lose a little, then get depressed before I fall off the wagon.  You'd think depression would come after?  Maybe my hormones are still off from the surgery last year, but... that's eighteen months ago.

Either way, I'm super frustrated and feeling again like there's no support.  When Scott wanted to lose weight, I supported him; just like when he wanted to go back to school and the time he wanted to change jobs after 16 years at one company.  Where's my support?  Not to complain because I've been appreciating him a lot more recently, but... when it comes to this, we can both stand to lose.  His balance isn't awesome at all, he's not very flexible, and he still gets winded if we speed walk - three things that are not true for me so on the overall health, it seems like I've got less work to do.

Well, anyway, now I'm high on frustration because I've been counting calories, working out extra, been very careful for two weeks now.  Just weighed myself and lost 1 pound.  In two weeks of feeling very stressed and working really hard, that number changing so slightly makes me angry and frustrated.  I don't know what to do to increase.  Yeah, I should be happy about one pound, but I can't be when I'm working as hard as I was when I was able to lose an average of 2 pounds a week - and the first weeks I lost more because of the change in diet so why isn't it working?

I guess because we weren't going way way overboard, but honestly the last couple of months, we have.  Makes me tired.  It also makes me want to hole up in the house whenever someone asks if I've lost more weight.  I mean, the fact that we did is obviously proof that we can and as we know, everyone else gets to decide my happy weight (insert 'sarcasm' sign here) so please.  Ask me about it more.  It's the only thing I am of value; my weight.

Off to do my first workout of the day, now, and try not to get discouraged.

And we're live!

For over a year, I've been putting off a silly little task of building our personal webpage.  It's all just a bit of fun, but we have recipes and more.  I only have a few recipes for now, but will be adding more and transferring some from the blogs to make them easier to find.  http://originalninjapineapple.com/

How Hostess relates to diets...

Seems obvious, doesn't it?  Must be easier to diet without all those Twinkies and Ding Dongs calling you at the grocer's.  Actually, we were not huge fans of Hostess, per se and I can't remember the last time I bought a Twinkie.  What we <i>do</i> miss is this; Wonder had this wonderful 50 calorie white bread we loved and now that is gone.  It seemed that although multi-grain and wheat are better for you anyway, our preference for white bread was gone and we were stuck with Sara Lee...

But, alas!  Sprouts (previously Sunflower) Market saved the day!  They have a white low calorie bread in large loaves that make several sandwiches and tastes great.  YAY!  I still miss my English Muffin treats, though.  I bought the big bag in bulk at the outlet because I can only justify a little money on them.  Hmm.  Maybe it's time to learn how to make home made...

Sprouts also has 99 cents Tofu and some interesting vegan sausage.  The sales and variety on veg and fruit are worth looking at, plus it's about a mile away so often we turn our daily walk into an excursion to stock up on fresh foods.

In the naughty section, they have the most delicious Irish Soda Bread...